After a messy divorce in November 1999, I have had some relationships but nothing that was forever.
Currently, I live alone on a 3 hectare homestead in Central Portugal, 35km away from the nearest city, 6km from the nearest little grocery store. My little farm had been abandoned for 60 years and the stone cottage was little more than a ruin. Despite the challenges I would face trying to restore the farm and cottage, I bought the farm I'd fallen in love with without a second thought, knowing I would be doing it alone. My goal is to create something beautiful for my children to inherit when I'm no longer on this earth. My animals and the renovation work keep me busy, but in these beautiful surroundings I have had time to pause and reflect on my life, the many mistakes and bad choices I've made, the failed relationships. The time alone on the farm has helped me to get to know myself, and do some research on why I absolutely suck at relationships. Many years ago I wrote a self-help book on breaking the cycle of bad relationships called Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet. It was then that I decided that I was not relationship material. I either sabotage the relationship or engage in limerence. When I wrote that book, I focused on how to break the cycle of bad relationships, but never looked at why I always chose bad relationships. This time of reflection has made me start reflecting on the why and it's taken me back to my childhood.
I was an unplanned pregnancy and ruined my mother's career as a dancer, something I was often reminded of. She started a dance studio which was her life and there was no place for an unwanted, unplanned for child. My parents divorced when I was 3 months old and my granny and my aunts ensured that I experienced some love. They saved me from being a complete basket case, but despite their love it wasn't the love I sought from my parents and didn't get. Throughout my elementary school time, I always felt like I was an outsider and didn't belong. In fact, this has continued throughout my life. I always feel like an outsider looking in. My high school was not much different. My mother went on to marry two more times. Both stepfathers were abusive in different ways, cementing the idea that I was a burden and not worthy of love. I ended up in an abusive marriage. I just couldn't seem to escape being abused or taken advantage of.
I have spent my life being a people pleaser. In my subconscious mind, if I make people happy then that's like a kind of love. But when you are the family scapegoat, no matter what you do, you are never going to make them believe that you are worthy of their love. You become like a hamster on a wheel. Running in circles and never achieving the desired result. With all of the running on the wheel and getting nowhere, you suffer from anxiety which you have to find ways to disguise so that those abusing you don't think you are weak and even more of a target. One coping strategy is to poke fun at yourself and make people laugh. That way you feel in control. You belittle yourself before they do.
I have come to realise that I am the way I am through childhood trauma and emotional neglect. My granny and my aunts were there for me and always had my back, but when we moved away and they passed on, there was nobody. I had to be independent but I was terrified. I had three children to raise by myself. Because of my childhood, I suffer from CPTSD - Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. The wounds from my childhood are ever present and have yet to become scars. It doesn't take much to open those wounds even though I am now in my sixties.
So I choose to live alone. My children are now adult and I have a grandson. I miss them terribly as they always made me feel worthy and gave me the love I was always looking for. I have realised that I will never experience that kind of a love in a relationship. When my last relationship ended, that was the nail in the coffin so to speak. I am not relationship material. I carry too much baggage. Also, I have become way too independent and don't like giving anyone control of my life. Besides the people pleasing and being the resident doormat, I was also a rescuer, thinking I could fix others' problems. Frankly, that is exhausting. I am tired of pleasing others and fixing their problems. It's time to focus on myself. And that is why I chose to live alone.
You can follow my off-grid journey of restoring and renovating an abandoned farm in Portugal on my YouTube Channel 'Cindy Vine Portugal.' https://youtu.be/L2OlsKhKfg8
