Un-Valentine's Day

Not feeling the love.
Not wanting the love.
Not needing the love.
Valentine's day is all about love.  The love you have for your current partner, an intimate kind of love.  The love where you want to share your very being with someone else.  Valentine's Day is not about the lasting love you have for your children, family, friends, pets.  The love you feel for your city when the plane touches down and you see Table Mountain before you.  That love is not celebrated.  Instead we give cards and gifts to lovers who slip in and out of our lives.  Fleeting moments we try desperately to hang onto.
I have never been lucky in that intimate kind of love.  Bad choices, never choosing someone who is good for me.  I accept all the blame for that.  Loving someone so much that you lose yourself and who you are is not love.  My grandmother always used to say that you can't be loved until you love yourself.  When you forget who you are and try to be someone you're not then you are not loving yourself.
My last relationship was the final straw for me.  It made me realize that I am not relationship material.  I let the other person become all-consuming so that I forgot who I was.  That is not good.  I'm not sure if it was that final relationship and final betrayal which killed that ability to love another intimately or if it was the scalpel which cut out the cancer which cut that kind of love out of me, but I just know that I don't feel it anymore.  I don't even miss it or long for it.  That part of me has gone.  Dead and dried up.
But this isn't sad, it's good.  It means that now I focus on me and my children.
Cindy Vine is the author of Survival Tips for the Suddenly Single and Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet - both are available on Amazon in kindle and print format.

Review of Nowhere to run by Judy Westwater

Nowhere to Run by Judy Westwater

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


This autobiography by Judy Westwater was inspirational. She suffered the worst kind of abuse imaginable, struggled for a good part of her life but never gave up. She looked for the positives, made many plans and rose up out of the dung pile time and time again. It was fantastic that she eventually did get to experience love and yet even that was snatched from her. Despite her many trials and struggles, when Judy got some money she didn't think of herself or bettering her life, but immediately thought about what she could do with the money to help others. Judy Westwater is an amazing woman and her story is definitely worth reading.

It is interesting that she had a pattern of bad relationships in her life, and as I said in my book Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet, the only way to break that cycle of bad relationships is to change you and find yourself first. That's exactly what Judy did.



View all my reviews

Working makes me grey

I do love my job, honest I do.  But if I was absolutely honest, I'd rather write.  My dream life, would be to stay in one place for 3 months and write, write, write and read all day long.  Take a few days off to explore and have a couple more adventures, read a bit, write some more.  Wallow around in the ocean somewhere warm like a hippo that moved from its mud puddle.  Sigh, doesn't that sound like the ideal life?  Unfortunately, a life like that costs money, and as there is no rich millionaire on the horizon, that kind of a life is a fantasy.  Oh well, guess I just have to stick to teaching and keep my writing as a hobby somewhere.
School started this week and it is actually great being back.  I love the school, the kids, and the school grounds are one of the most beautiful I've ever worked out.  The verdant greenery because of all the unseasonal rain inspires creativity.  One feels relaxed, at peace and highly creative and what more does a writer really need?  Seriously.  Okay, money would be good.
It seems like I'm now getting my books Kindle-ized.  Previously, this was an impossibility because I am not from the USA, I don't have a USA bank account or tax number.  Now, they seem to be prepared to post you a cheque.  My last royalty cheque went missing in the post, and when I queried it, it had already been cashed by whomever had intercepted my post.  Bastards!  So cheques are a little dicey.  I might still get that non-resident tax number thingie, because without it I pay 30% witholding tax on my royalties.  Yet again, bastards!  Bastards, must be my word of the day!
Tony returns to South Africa next Friday and we'll miss him.  He goes straight into a 10 week prac block at The President Hotel.  Hopefully, he'll earn lots of tips as this time he'll be waiting and working behind the bar.  No tips when he was in the kitchen!  He's started driving my car.  Not yet in traffic!  One of the parents at school was a driving instructor for the South African Army and she's been taking him for lessons.  A couple of hedges and a ditch later, but luckily he seems to have got the hang of it.  I'm still going to let him have proper lessons anyway when he gets back to Cape Town.  Riding down dirt roads with hardly any traffic and going slowly to avoid cows is a bit different to driving in a bustling city!
Siobhan is happy to be back at her school with her friends and is busy practising songs for the Variety Show in March.  She's been writing her own song as well, so we'll see. 
We finally managed to get a copy of Singh is King, the Bollywood movie that we acted in as extras when we were in Mumbai a few years ago.  Of course, they had edited me completely out of the movie, but Siobhan and Tony were very visible during their scene and both appeared numerous times.  Siobhan was so excited the first time she saw herself in the movie, that she jumped up screaming with excitement and ran straight into the door, nearly taking her eye out.  The screams of excitement quickly turned to screams of pain as Siobhan has never been one to handle pain.  We just ignored her and continued with what we were doing, as there was no blood so she wasn't dying, even though it did sound like she was.  She now sports an awesome bruise below her eyebrow which you can see in this photo. 

Friday I saw a solar eclipse for the first time.  I know that they happen, but this is the first time I've actually seen it.  It was quite amazing and spooky at the same time.  We had these special glasses that you use to look at the sun, and could clearly see the moon in front of the sun!
Well, am busy researching my new book, while I wait for the proof copy of The Case of Billy B to arrive.  My preliminary title for the new book is Not Telling, but I am not sure whether or not that will be the final title.  I'll have to see where the story takes me.  I think once The Case of Billy B is out and published, I'll do a book launch, probably in Arusha at The Blue Heron.  I might visit them and discuss the details when I take Tony through for his testing on Tuesday.  I'm just hoping that my proof copy arrives soon.  I hate waiting!  Okay, note to self, be more patient.
Had a major hassle last week as my website was down.  I eventually found out that the person who was hosting it, ran into some difficulties, so I spent the whole week figuring out how to get my old website up in the meantime.  That made me grey!  Anyway, I had to change the nameserver and IP address and then it worked.  Thank God!  But it took me close on a week to find out that that was what I had to do.  So the old website is pretty basic, but I'll start working on a more up to date one now and within a month or so will have that one up instead.  Hey, if you type in Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet on Youtube, you'll find my little podcast video thingamebob I made.
Have a super duper weekend!
love
Cindy

Writing until the cows come home

Why NaNoWriMo where the challenge is to write 50 000 words in a month is in the same month as report writing, I'll never know. I think the gods must be angry or something. But, I'm giving it a go and trying to write a minimum of 1000 words a day on The Case of Billy B. The report writing, I've done a little bit here and there, came up with a great bank of comments that I can cut and paste from, but it still takes time, time I'd rather be spending on getting The Case of Billy B completed. Writing this book has been a challenge, and I've had to dig really deep to be able to do it. Luckily, Charlies Campbell in the US has been helping me to Americanize everything. (Note my use of a z instead of a s) The book is set in America, and it is really difficult setting a story in a place you've never visited. So, if you're feeling generous, send me a ticket to the US!

Procrastination. My first draft of my reports are due tomorrow. I'd promised myself that I'd spend all day Saturday doing them. Saturday has come and gone. However, I did manage 1700 more words on The Case of Billy B, and I did go into school and prepare some worksheets, homework sheets etc, for the relief teacher when I'm in India. I fly to India on Wednesday for a workshop on The Exhibition. So, this morning when I woke, I told myself, at 9am sharp I start on my reports. And here I am, blogging. Mind you, it is only 8.05am! I still have 55 minutes left to do my blogs and hubs and whatever else I can think of, to delay the start of my report writing. The sad thing, is that once I start I'll fly through it. I know that, so why don't I just do it, why do I keep putting it off? Sometimes, there is no logic in our actions.
The heat is increasing and I love it. I feel sorry for all my friends in China who are getting ready for an icy winter. I'm definitely a sunshine person. The hotter, the better. I've booked for us to stay in the school house at Pangani for Christmas, only costs $15 a night and is right on the beach. 4 Weeks holiday, what bliss! Tony is coming for Christmas and I'm looking forward to seeing him. I'm hoping that by that time, I'll be on revising and editing The Case of Billy B, and getting it ready to go off to the publishers. As I finish each couple of chapters, I send them off to Charlie Campbell in the States, and to Rob Stark in London. Both give me suggestions which I haven't looked at yet. When I come to the editing, I'll look through their corrections and suggestions and revise, revise, revise. Goodness, I must be besotted with writing. How did I move from having a blissful holiday on the beach to talk about editing? It's the reports. They've screwed with my brain.
Last weekend, the MYP Coordinator here got married to her long-time Canadian friend. They secretly did the church thing, but the Geography teacher decided to let out the secret and organised a surprise traditional Tanzanian wedding for them. We all met at her house which is next door to Jaimala's, the MYP Coordinator, and waited for the special wedding band to arrive. They were late, which is typical in Tanzania, everything works at African time. Their vehicle broke down at the entrance to the school campus. Eventually, they sorted it out and they arrived, their wind instruments blaring, playing the same jazzy number over and over again. They don't appear to have a large repertoire of tunes to play. Traditionally here, the musicians sit on the back of a modified pick up truck, and lead the wedding procession through the town. After dancing around to the same tune over and over again, we all climbed into our vehicles and made a convoy behind the musicians. The tradition is, that you drive round each roundabout in the town three times, which we did. The music teacher had gotten a lift in my car, and decided to jump out every time we slowed down, sprint to the car in front and jump in there, and repeat that until he got to the front car where the wine was kept. He'd fill his paper cup, and sprint back from car to car until he eventually worked his way back to mine. By that stage, most of his wine was already finished. I'm not sure if he drank it or spilt it in his mad dashes!
8.25am, getting closer to my 9am report start. Internet has just been lost, hopefully I'll be able to reconnect otherwise I won't be able to focus on the reports. I know myself, I'll be wondering about the internet and cursing it all the time, instead of coming up with good comments about the kids in my class.
Talking about cute comments, on Friday, one kid told me his brother had got his 'independix' out. But still, after 23 years of teaching, I'm tired of it. I feel a bit washed out, brain dead. I think I'd like to become a child psychologist and work with abused children. But then, I'm too old to change careers. Maybe, after a 4 week holiday I'll feel a bit more refreshed.
Well, let's drink a toast to next weekend in India! I have one day of shopping and have to try and find stage make-up and costumes for the school's production of Cats. Siobhan's in it! It's on the 3rd and 4th of December. Tony will just miss it, as he arrives on the 5th!
Have a wonderful week ahead! Hmmm, awesome view of Kilimanjaro as I look out my window. Looks like it snowed up there last night. The glaciers seem wider. By the way, I have updated my website www.cindyvine.com. There's now a page where you can buy my books directly from Amazon. Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet has been revised and reprinted and is now available on Amazon, together with Stop the world, I need to pee! So, if you're looking to buy gifts for the holidays or stock up on reading matter for yourself, buy my books!
love
Cindy xxx