The Family Scapegoat

 

It is an unfortunate fact that all around the world in some toxic families, one child is selected to be the family scapegoat.

I am proud to say that in my family I wore that title. It was not a role that I applied for. I never attended an interview. The scapegoat crown was unceremoniously placed upon my head and it made me who I am today. Stronger and more resilient than the masses.

So why was I selected? I was a little different because I questioned everything and was quite smart, always accused of having to have the last word and being full of cheek. I had a phenomenal memory and could remember whole conversations word for word which didn’t always go down well when I could repeat verbatim what had been said. In all of that I made myself a target. I see that now.

My mother always put me down in front of others right from when I was a little child. She couldn’t handle me perhaps taking the limelight away from her. She was a performer after all. I can remember her making me do a dance step in front of all the parents and her students. I had stupidly thought it was because she was proud of me, but when all those people started laughing at me, I realized at that very young age that I was just something to be ridiculed.

Her penchant for putting me down and making me feel worthless drove me into a love affair with books and stories I could escape in. Both my stepfathers joined in her game, blaming me for everything that went wrong, taking out a hard day at work on me, always telling me I was useless, would never be successful at anything and would never amount to much. My second stepfather even held special meetings with my aunts and uncles to tell them how useless I was and they should stop standing up for me and protecting me as I was undeserving of their love.

The heroes and heroines I read about showed me how to be strong. I learned how to crack jokes about myself before others did. The more I was knocked down, the more determined I became to not conform and to forge my own path. I learned to not answer back and instead stare silently at the person shouting at me. 

This never stopped when I became an adult. The verbal and emotional abuse continued until I was in my fifties. That scapegoat crown was mine, and the unfortunate thing is that became the lens some of my siblings would always look at me through, even to this very day. In their eyes I would always be useless, never good enough and any successes I achieved would be downplayed and belittled.

As soon as I could I escaped from that toxic environment and is one of the reasons why I have lived in so many countries. Unfortunately, distance doesn’t make the heart grow fonder, and holidays to visit family usually resulted in some abuse and nasty comments being thrown my way, even in front of my children.

Over the years I’ve been able to forgive this bad behavior but I have never forgotten it. It’s embedded in my very being. I have realized that I made them feel threatened and inferior so they had to step on me to feel greater than. It became a habit for them. Almost a game. The more they tried to put me down the more I would bounce back and I would bounce back smiling. That was the best revenge. They could never win.

Has this left me with emotional scars, of course it has. I take criticism personally and will over analyze it for days. I hate things that are unfair and will brood on it. But in the end I do move on. 

When I was 21 I fell pregnant out of wedlock.  This was apparently confirmation of what a terrible person I was. Instead of supporting me, my mother and stepfather gave me 3 choices. 1) abortion 2) adoption 3) bugger off and make your own way in life.

I’m sure you can guess which option I chose. Option 3 was the best decision I ever made and all the sacrifices that went with it were worth it. 

Sometimes it’s good to look back and reflect on the past to see how far you’ve come and focus on the positives that came out of a bad situation. The resilience, strength and always looking for the positive against all odds are all by-products of being the family scapegoat. You have to see that it wasn’t all bad and something good did come from it. I survived to tell the tale. Isn’t that good?

Your childhood doesn’t just disappear when you become an adult. The trauma and experiences shape you and affects the way you handle certain situations and the choices that you make. I ended up in a very abusive marriage. Only now do I realize that I chose that man to be my husband because I thought I didn’t deserve anyone better and nobody would want me anyway because I was useless and not worth being loved. And more than anything I wanted a father for my child so that she could have a complete family with a mother and a father. I didn’t want her to go through what I went through as a child. 

As the family scapegoat, my family disapproved of my choice of husband and they didn’t bother to hide their displeasure. When we were in danger and my children and I had to flee for our lives, my family refused to help. “You made your bed, so you lie in it!”

And I did. By myself. 

I hit rock bottom, ended up in a Salvation Army Family Crisis Center with the children for a few months. My eldest daughter who was 15 at the time, made many sacrifices to support me. I managed to get a job in an international school and was able to pay a lawyer to get me sole custody of the children and put a great distance between the ex and my children and I.

I have learnt not to ask for help and try and do things by myself. That way the only person to let me down and disappoint me is me.

I have learnt to keep smiling and keep looking for that silver lining when inside I am a mess of anxiety and self doubt.

I have learnt to problem solve and find solutions.

I have learnt that I can survive in adverse circumstances despite the odds.

I have learnt to be strong, not give up and to always have a dream to work towards.

But most of all I have learnt that the toxic people I had in my life were wrong.

I am not useless.

I am not worthless.

I have something to contribute to the world.

My three beautiful children, now all amazing adults are proof of that.

I can make a difference.

I can always be there for people when they need help.

I will still make some bad choices because I am not perfect, and that’s okay because I am resilient. I tend to act from the heart rather than the head.

I’ve got this.

I can do it.

Love

The Family Scapegoat 

You can find Cindy Vine's fiction and non-fiction books on Amazon. Follow Cindy Vine Portugal on Youtube.

How to avoid the rejection blues

It always amazes me how many women there are out there, who for some reason or other are trapped in abusive relationships.  For every one of us who escapes a terrible situation, there are many more who are unable to escape and face daily abuse.  Nobody should stay in an abusive relationship.  You are worth more than that.  You deserve better.  In fact.  You deserve the best.

Senica Evans escaped an abusive situation, and like I did with Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet has written an inspirational book about her experiences and her escape.  It is very cathartic to write about what you went through and use the drama to help others get through a similar situation.

Just as you learn to cope with rejection in your life, as a writer you also have to know how to handle rejection.  Senica Evans shares her thoughts on How to Avoid the Rejection Blues.

Rejection, as defined by Merriam-Webster, is the act to refuse to accept, recognize, submit to, believe, make use of, consider, or deny. Rejection is inevitable in life especially in the creative business.  If you want to experience any degree of success you must first get comfortable with NO. On the other side of comfort is greatness. Find comfort in the uncomfortable.

Hearing NO is not only uncomfortable; it brings the grey cloud of negativity. You’ve heard the song with the low melodic beats and snazzy snarls. The tune carries you down the reminiscent lane headed straight towards the place where the blues is felt in every word a person speaks. You know those blues… rejection blues.  Although you’re drawn in, avoid this place in order to reach your ultimate destination. Here are a few tips on avoiding the rejection blues;

Acknowledge. Refusing to acknowledge the ‘NO’ will only allow the associated feelings of negativity and self-doubt to fester and grow. Once negativity takes root, look out, it takes over. The best response to a ‘NO’ is not to take it personal because the response isn’t about you.  It might be bad timing, not a good fit, or some other reason that has nothing to do with you.

Acceptance. Hearing NO comes with the territory. You have to develop thick skin and remember NO has nothing to do with you. No’s don’t indicate your writing skill. They indicate another’s preference, timing, or preferred style.  Accept the NO as part of the job and keep pressing forward. Perfect matches for your work are out there.

Embracing. Have fun with the No’s. I’m sure that sounds sort of weird but… you might as well get used to them since they are a regular part of a writer’s life, or any creative for that matter. Expect them, welcome them, embrace them… they’re just bumps along the path.

Let Go. Move on and quick. Let go of any associated negative feelings of self-doubt, worry, or not being good enough. You are just fine and are the best version of you. Take your NO in stride then let it go. Allow yourself daily reminders (incantations are a great tool) of your effort and greatness.

The longer you wallow in rejection blues, the more difficult getting back up and out there becomes. The rejection blues is akin to being swept away by the currant taking you off course. Stay active and let the momentum propel you forward. Remember, the best version of you is already good enough.

Senica Evans as author, relationship coach, radio host, and speaker is passionate about helping women overcome the destruction in their life to reveal their true beauty and greatness. As a survivor of domestic violence, sexual assault, and destructive relationships, Senica founded SennySen to be a guiding light to women and teen girls. Senica is the author of Married to Him, an autobiography of the destruction she faced in her abusive destructive marriage.  Senica is preparing to release her second book later this year; Woman Free Yourself: A Guide to Healing from Divorce or a Heart Wrenching Breakup by Starting Over, Rediscovering You, & Crushing Bitterness, Anger, and Resentment. Visit her at http://www.sennysen.com .

Book Trailer: http://youtu.be/unu-MN_OQng
Links: Link to Tour on Main Site - http://www.virtualbooktourcafe.com/3/post/2012/09/married-to-him-by-senica-evans.html
Married to Him – http://promos.sennysen.com/married-to-him  
Website – www.sennysen.com
Blog – www.sennysen.com/blog
Facebook – www.facebook.com/sennysen11    |   www.facebook.com/sddevans
Twitter – www.twitter.com/sennysen11
senica@sennysen.com
www.blogtalkradio.com/sennysen
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Best-selling Author Eldon Taylor

Eldon Taylor is an award-winning, New York Times best-selling author of more than 300 books, audio, and video programs. He’s the inventor of the patented InnerTalk technology and the founder and president of Progressive Awareness Research. He has been called a “master of the mind” and has appeared as an expert witness on both hypnosis and subliminal communication.

Eldon was a practicing criminalist conducting investigations and lie-detection examinations for many years. He is listed in more than a dozen Who’s Who publications, including Who’s Who of Intellectuals and Who’s Who in Science and Engineering. He is a fellow in the American Psychotherapy Association and an internationally sought-after speaker. His books and audio-video materials have been translated into more than a dozen languages and have sold millions worldwide.  Eldon is the host of the popular radio show Provocative Enlightenment. He has interviewed some of the most interesting people on the planet. His shows are thought-provoking and always fresh in both their perspective and the exchange.

Announcing I Believe, the latest release

by New York Times best selling author,

Eldon Taylor.

Join the launch party for I Believe: When What You Believe Matters!

Hundreds of bonus gifts will be given away to everyone who participates. Plus, enter to win grand prizes worth over $5K from personalities such as Lindsay Wagner (Bionic Woman), James Van Praagh, Bob Doyle, Hay House, InnerTalk, Norman Shealy and Caroline Sutherland. For more information, visit http://progressiveawarenesspromotions.com/it/12c/indexB.html

 Q. Why did you write I Believe?

I have spent over thirty years investigating why people self-sabotage or limit themselves, thus experiencing so much less than their highest best!  What I have found is the reason rests solely in their beliefs—not their spiritual belief so much as their life beliefs.  I found this to be true when I was conducting lie detection tests and discovering criminality, and equally true when I worked with elite athletes, business executives, professionals and lay people alike.  The bottom line is this: What you believe always matters!  It’s like a web that fastens itself to belief-anchors, causing disheartening mediocrity in place of the glorious success we all seek.

I Believe spells out the power of belief and how it influences everything from our health and longevity to our success with relationships and life.  Astounding as it may seem, belief can (and has) defied our so-called laws of science and it has done so over and over again. As ordinary and trite as it may seem, belief nevertheless makes all the difference in success in all walks of life.  Knowing how we acquire our beliefs, and which beliefs serve us while others sabotage us, is critical to maximizing our individual potential.  I Believe: When What You Believe Matters! was written  to empower you with the roadmap to decipher and re-write the programming governing your life.

 Excerpt

Codependence

Among many people, there’s a certain attitude of codependence. This is often expressed in terms of a bargain, a contract, or a sort of quid pro quo. That is, we think, You should do this for me because I do this for you. If you loved me, you’d do x, y, and z. The notion implies a duty. For example, parents often assume codependent roles and expect their children to nearly kneel and worship them because of parental sacrifices. Building relationships on such patterns will almost always lead to resentment and disappointment.

Examining our motives is important. Where our closest, most intimate bonds are concerned, maintaining a realistic outlook is key. There will be many changes during a long-term personal relationship. The initial romance will wear off, the hormones will cool down, and the Cinderella nature of perfect love will curl up in a mature bonding, provided the connection isn’t built on false assumptions and immature, unrealistic notions taken from movies and television shows.

It’s estimated that approximately half the marriages in America will end in divorce. Further, this figure applies to first marriages versus later unions, since “67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology.”⁵

There are many reasons for the high divorce rate, including disappointment, selfishness, demanding too much, economic differences, pettiness, blaming, laziness, and differences in values or faith. Inherent in all of these factors are the underlying beliefs each partner brings to the marriage. Surprising to many is that the lowest proportion of divorce belongs to atheists and agnostics. Perhaps that is because the initial expectation is simply more pragmatic. For the atheist, the connection is all about here and now; for the religious person, there are both explicit and implicit assumptions about unions made in heaven.

The actual reasons for divorce are not my point here, however. This book is all about the role of belief in our lives. It’s easy to see that an unreasonable expectation will lead to a failed relationship. It’s equally obvious that our expectations are built upon our beliefs, and if we’re to enjoy our lives to the fullest, choosing what we believe and how and who we share those beliefs with is pivotal.

If you’re having difficulties with someone, take a look at your assumptions and then consciously choose your course of action. That said, never be afraid to let someone go if that’s what he or she wants. There’s an old saying that goes like this: “If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, they were always yours; and if they don’t, then they never were.”

Reflection

What do you see in your relationships? Are your expectations blinding you to the real attributes of the other person? Are you denying yourself in your attempt to be what someone else would like you to be? These questions are really two sides of the same coin, but they’re vital components to creating the kind of connection you want.

For information on the book launch, please visit http://progressiveawarenesspromotions.com/it/12c/indexB.html

Review of Nowhere to run by Judy Westwater

Nowhere to Run by Judy Westwater

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


This autobiography by Judy Westwater was inspirational. She suffered the worst kind of abuse imaginable, struggled for a good part of her life but never gave up. She looked for the positives, made many plans and rose up out of the dung pile time and time again. It was fantastic that she eventually did get to experience love and yet even that was snatched from her. Despite her many trials and struggles, when Judy got some money she didn't think of herself or bettering her life, but immediately thought about what she could do with the money to help others. Judy Westwater is an amazing woman and her story is definitely worth reading.

It is interesting that she had a pattern of bad relationships in her life, and as I said in my book Fear, Phobias and Frozen Feet, the only way to break that cycle of bad relationships is to change you and find yourself first. That's exactly what Judy did.



View all my reviews

Introducing Cissy Hunt

As part of her Virtual Book Tour, Cissy Hunt, author of A Rose Blooms among the Thorns, is making a guest appearance on my blog.  She's written a great post on Domestic Abuse, which is something very close to my heart.  I've done quite a bit of research on the subject, and most of my books do have some element of abuse in them.  So, without any further ado.....here's Cissy!

ABOUT ME (Cissy's bio)
I was born and grew up in Louisiana. I worked in the nursing field as a licensed practical nurse for almost 30 years. My husband and I now live in the beautiful Ozark Mountains with our two small dogs and two cats, where we love to night fish in one of the beautiful lakes here and work in our yard.

I have been an ordained minister since August of 2007. I am called to minister to hurting women who carry the emotional scars of domestic abuse.

For as long as I can remember I have always loved to write. When I couldn't express myself verbally, one only had to hand me a pen and paper and out would flow my words on to the paper.

I have written poetry most of my life and now my life-long dream has come true. I have written a book.

My book, A Rose Blooms Among the Thorns, is the story of a woman's journey from domestic abuse, through healing, to forgiveness.

ABOUT A ROSE BLOOMS AMONG THE THORNS

My book, A Rose Blooms Among the Thorns, is about a woman’s journey from domestic abuse through healing to forgiveness. LaRae Jones, the main character is finally granted a divorce from her abusive husband, but this means nothing to James, her now ex-husband. He stalks her across the country, even goes so far as to hiring a private investigator to find her for him. LaRae stays on the run from her now ex-husband while at the same time trying to work.

This book will take you through the steps LaRae goes through on her journey to a complete healing from being in a domestic abusive relationship. It will show the reader that no one can heal over night from being in a domestic violence relationship. It will reveal hidden family secrets that LaRae discovers on her journey. It will also show the reader that no one can heal from this type of relationships on their own and that there is help out there for women who suffer in silence in domestic abuse.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

My book, A Rose Blooms Among the Thorns, is a fictional story about a woman’s journey from domestic abuse through healing to forgiveness. This book covers a subject matter that is very close to my heart. the subject matter it covers is domestic violence.

Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars. Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.

Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.

Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.

Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused--especially verbally and emotionally. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe.

Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of pain--and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.

There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner--constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up--chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.

When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked--even by the person being abused.

Understanding emotional abuse
The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse--sometimes even more so.

Even though A Rose Blooms Among the Thorns is a fictional book it is taken from my own life experiences. I chose to make it fiction rather than non-fiction because I want every woman that has gone through domestic violence to be able to relate to it. I don’t want them to just read about another woman who experience domestic violence. I wanted them to read the story and relate to it to be able to make it their own. I also want them to know that another man is not the answer to getting free of their situation that healing is their answer. They need to be free to seek healing and find their self. To find who they really are. Jumping into another relationship after domestic violence without healing 90% of the time leads to another abusive relationship. Yet, if they take the time to heal then they can find a new life that does not include domestic violence.

I would like to leave you with this exerpt from my book.
'After stepping to the podium, LaRae looked down at the urn
holding Terri’s ashes then to the picture displayed on the easel before
looking back up and beginning to speak.
“Terri never made it to true womanhood for she was only nineteen
years old when she died. She will never know what it means to be a
mother or a grandmother because her life was devalued so greatly by
her abuser that it meant nothing to him to take it. Her life was snuffed
out instantly with no thought of remorse because her life wasn’t her
own; it had been taken from her. She had become property not a human being.'

Domestic violence and emotional abuse are behaviors used by one person in a relationship to control another. Do you know that every nine seconds a woman is assaulted and battered in this country, and 5.3
million women are abused each year, and that Domestic Violence is the single major cause of injury to women, more than muggings and car accidents combined. Fifty percent of all women murdered in the
United States are killed by a spouse or an intimate partner.
Also, over 500,000 women are stalked by an intimate partner each year. An average of about four women per day dies because of domestic violence. So you see on the day Terri died at the hands of her abuser so did three other women. Three other families in this country lost a mother, a sister, a daughter, an aunt, or a niece.
Terri Carter is not the first nor will she be the last this town will gather together in mourning over. I wish she would be the last, I pray she would be, but until this community starts changing and becoming
aware of domestic violence; there will be more victims like Terri.

Think about it! The next service could even be held for one of your family members…maybe even one of your daughters.”