Hanging On

Sometimes I feel like I am hanging onto a small plant growing out of the side of a cliff face.
If I let go or the plant's roots give way I'll fall.  Will I survive?  I'd have to fall to find out, won't I?
I don't plan on falling.  I plan to hold on even if it is one arm at a time while I rest the other arm.
The world is filled with people who are holding on.  Some give up and fall, some fall asleep and accidentally let go, and then there are the stubborn ones like me who are too mulish to let go.
So I have not sold a million books but I have sold quite a few thousand.  Will I stop writing?  No, I have many more books hiding inside me.  My wallet might be empty but my head is full of ideas.
I have never managed to work out why some people's lives are a constant struggle and others just have everything falling in their laps.  I am a little envious of the lucky lap people though.  Okay, understatement.  I am a lot envious, pretty green with jealousy in fact.  But then I wonder if they get everything so easily if their lives will be as rich with memories and achievements of overcoming different struggles as mine has been.  Maybe I subconsciously always choose the path of most resistance.  Maybe I am a masochist who thrives on struggle.  Maybe it is not just bad luck, maybe I do have some influence.  Too many maybes for me to reflect on.  I can't afford to be distracted with reflecting and pondering on the hand I have been dealt.  It might cause me to lose focus and let go of that flimsy branch that is keeping me from falling off the side of the cliff.
Living abroad is not always easy.  Today I find myself missing my family, friends and home quite desperately.  Luckily homesickness is like a common head cold.  It does go away.  The key is to keep your mind occupied.  My problem is that my mind is always over-occupied so to ease the action going on inside my head I think about home.
As stated previously, too much thinking is one's undoing.
I should be writing, or knitting, or reading or watching a movie.
You'll note that shopping is not in my list of what I should be doing.  Retail therapy is not therapy for me.  Too expensive, the budget doesn't allow for it.  I need to start saying that word out loud more often.  Budget.  Budget.  BUDGET.  If I say it more often I might stick to it.  Too little money, two households to run, child's studies to pay for.  Thinking about it does my head in and I think I might let go of that fragile plant.
But there are others worse off than me.  Some don't have a plant to hang onto.  All they have is a small crack in the rock face that they have managed to dig their fingers into.
Time to focus on the silver lining.  They say every cloud has one.  It's completely overcast outside today, plenty of clouds, innumerable silver linings.  Maybe I should pick a couple to see me through the day.
Cindy Vine is the author of  thought-provoking novels, a handful of children's stories, a hilarious travel diary, couple of self-help books and a joint effort with renowned Canadian artist Daniel Quinlan.  All her books are available on Amazon as print copies or kindle books.